Firmness of handshake is not the reliable indicator of firmness of character that many believe it to be. Firm handshakes tend to be those of confident people, especially those who have spent some time in business, and who realise that most people in business consider a firm handshake to be a good thing. Handshakes that are uncomfortably firm show a lack of respect or awareness, especially if used in cultures (Eastern especially) where firm handshaking is not normal.

Handshaking evolved from ancient times as an initial gesture of trust, to show that no weapon was being held. Naturally also the handshake offers the most obvious way to connect physically as a way to signal trust or friendship. In more recent times, especially from the 1800s onwards, a handshake became the way to confirm a commercial transaction. Handshaking by women became common practice much later, reflecting the change of social attitudes and the increasing equality of women, for whom a hundred years back such physical contact was considered improper. Women have throughout time generally been subservient to men, hence the very subservient female curtsey gesture (also spelled curtsy), which survives now only in traditional situations such as meeting royalty, or ending a stage performance.

eyes | mouth | head | arms | hands | handshakes | legs and feet | personal space

legs and feet - body language

Legs and feet body language is more difficult to control consciously or fake than some body language of arms and hands and face. Legs and feet can therefore provide good clues to feelings and moods, if you know the signs.

Men and women sit differently, which needs to be considered when reading leg body language. Partly due to clothing and partly due to sexual differences, men naturally exhibit more open leg positions than women, which should be allowed for when interpreting signals. Certain open-leg male positions are not especially significant in men, but would be notable in women, especially combined with a short skirt.

Older women tend to adopt more modest closed leg positions than younger women, due to upbringing, social trends, equality and clothing. Again take account of these influences when evaluating signals.

Also consider that when people sit for half-an-hour or more they tend to change their leg positions, which can include leg crossing purely for comfort reasons. Again allow for this when interpreting signals.

Leg signals tend to be supported by corresponding arms signals, for example crossed arms and crossed legs, which aside from comfort reasons generally indicate detachment, disinterest, rejection or insecurity, etc.

N.B. Where the terms 'leg crossing' and 'crossed legs' are used alone, this refers to the legs being crossed at both knees. The 'American' or 'Figure-4' leg cross entails the supporting leg being crossed just above the knee by the ankle or lower calf of the crossing leg. This makes a figure-4 shape, hence the name. The posture is also called the American leg cross because of its supposed popularity in the US compared to the UK, notably among males.

eyes | mouth | head | arms | hands | handshakes | legs and feet | personal space

personal space

The technical term for the personal space aspect of body language is proxemics. The word was devised by Edward Twitchell Hall (b.1914), an American anthropologist and writer on body language and non-verbal communications, especially relating to cross-cultural understanding. His 1963 book, Proxemics, A Study of Man's Spacial Relationship, no doubt helped popularize the new word. Here is Edward Twitchell Hall's website - he's an interesting character, and one of the founding fathers of modern body language theory. His other books are listed in the body language references section below. Robert Ardrey is cited by Julius Fast as another significant expert and writer in personal space.

Proxemics - personal space - is defined as (the study of) the amount of space that people find comfortable between themselves and others.

Personal space dimensions depend notably on the individual, cultural and living background, the situation, and relationships, however some general parameters apply to most people, which for Western societies, are shown below.

There are five distinct space zones, which were originally identified by Edward T Hall, and which remain the basis of personal space analysis today. The first zone is sometimes shown as a single zone comprising two sub-zones.

eyes | mouth | head | arms | hands | handshakes | legs and feet | personal space

mirroring - matching body language signals

When body language and speech characteristics are mirrored or synchronized between people this tends to assist the process of creating and keeping rapport (a mutual feeling of empathy, understanding, trust).

The term synchronized is arguably a more accurate technical term because mirroring implies visual signals only, when the principles of matching body language extend to audible signals also - notably speech pace, pitch, tone, etc.

'Mirrored' or synchronized body language between two people encourages feelings of trust and rapport because it generates unconscious feelings of affirmation.

When another person displays similar body language to our own, this makes us react unconsciously to feel, "This person is like me and agrees with the way I am. I like this person because we are similar, and he/she likes me too."

The converse effect applies. When two people's body language signals are different - i.e., not synchronized - they feel less like each other, and the engagement is less comfortable. Each person senses a conflict arising from the mismatching of signals - the two people are not affirming each other; instead the mismatched signals translate into unconscious feelings of discord, discomfort or even rejection. The unconscious mind thinks, "This person is not like me; he/she is different to me, I am not being affirmed, therefore I feel defensive."

Advocates and users of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) use mirroring consciously, as a method of 'getting in tune' with another person, and with a little practice are able to first match and then actually and gently to alter the signals - and supposedly thereby the feelings and attitudes - of other people, using mirroring techniques.

Speech pace or speed is an example. When you are speaking with someone, first match their pace of speaking, then gently change your pace - slower or faster - and see if the other person follows you. Often they will do.

People, mostly being peaceful cooperative souls, commonly quite naturally match each other's body language. To do otherwise can sometimes feel uncomfortable, even though we rarely think consciously about it.

When another person leans forward towards us at a table, we often mirror and do likewise. When they lean back and relax, we do the same.

Sales people and other professional communicators are widely taught to mirror all sorts of more subtle signals, as a means of creating trust and rapport with the other person, and to influence attitudes.

Mirroring in this conscious sense is not simply copying or mimicking. Mirroring is effective when movements and gestures are reflected in a similar way so that the effect remains unconscious and subtle. Obvious copying would be regarded as strange or insulting.

See NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), and Empathy.

body language of seating positioning in relation to others

Lots of unnecessary friction is created in work and communications situations due to ignorance and lack of thought about seating positions.

The 'science' of where people sit in relation to each other, and on what and around what, is fascinating and offers opportunities for improving relationships, communications, cooperation and understanding.

Here are some guidelines.

These points are generally for the purpose of a leader or someone aspiring to lead, or coach, counsel, etc. They also relate to one-to-one situations like appraisals, interviews, etc.

Sitting opposite someone creates a feeling of confrontation. For one-to-one meetings, especially with emotional potential (appraisals for example) take care to arrange seating before the meeting to avoid opposite-facing positions. If you cannot arrange the seating give very deliberate thought to seating positions before you sit down and/or before you invite the other person to sit - don't just let it happen because commonly, strangely, people often end up sitting opposite if free to do so.

Consider the rules about personal space. Do not place chairs so close together that personal space will be invaded. Conversely sitting too far apart will prevent building feelings of trust and private/personal discussion.

Sitting opposite someone across a table or desk adds a barrier to the confrontational set-up and can create a tension even when the relationship is good and strong. It's easy to forget this and to find yourself sitting opposite someone when there are only two of you at the table. Sitting opposite across a table is okay for lovers gazing into each other's eyes, but not good for work, counselling, coaching, etc.

Sitting behind a work-desk (the boss behind his/her own desk especially) and having someone (especially a subordinate) sit in a less expensive lower chair across the desk emphasises authority of the boss and adds unhelpfully to the barrier and the confrontational set-up. This seating arrangement will increase the defensiveness of anyone already feeling insecure or inferior. This positioning is favoured by certain bosses seeking to reinforce their power, but it is not helpful in most modern work situations, and is not a good way to increase respectful natural authority anyway. Incidentally the expression 'on the carpet' - meaning being told off or 'bollocked' - derives from the extreme form of this positional strategy, when the victim, called into the office would stand to receive their bollocking on the carpet in front of the boss who sat high and mighty behind his desk. (The boss would typically be male, and beaten/abused/neglected as a child, but that's another story.)

Sitting at a diagonal angle of about 45 degrees to another person is a comfortable and cooperative arrangement. This is achieved naturally by both sitting around the same corner of a square table, which also enables papers to be seen together without too much twisting.

The same angle is appropriate for and easy-chairs around a coffee-table. A table ceases to become a barrier when people are sitting at a diagonal angle, instead it becomes a common work surface for studying papers, or exploring issues together.

Sitting side by side on a settee is not a good arrangement for working relationships. It threatens personal space, and obstructs communications.

Low settees and easy-chairs and low coffee tables cause people to sink and relax back are usually unhelpful for work meetings. For this reason much seating in hotel lounges is entirely unsuitable for work meetings. People naturally are more alert and focused using higher formal table and chairs.

Interviews and appraisals can benefit from relaxed or more formal seating depending on the situation. Importantly - make a conscious choice about furniture depending on the tone of the meeting, and how relaxed you want the meeting to be.

The 45-degree rule is approximate, and anyway under most circumstances seating angles are influenced by furniture and available space. Importantly, simply try to avoid opposite or side-by-side positions. An angle between these two extremes is best - somewhere in the range of 30-60 degrees if you want to be technical about it.

Round tables are better than square or oblong tables for group and team meetings. Obviously this works well because no-one is at the head of the table, which promotes a feeling of equality and teamwork. King Arthur - or the creator of the legend (King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table) - opted for a round table for this reason. The term 'round table' has come to symbolise teamwork and fairness, etc., for a long time. Unfortunately round tables aren't common in offices, which means thinking carefully about best seating arrangements for square or oblong tables.

A confident leader will be happy to avoid taking the 'head of the table' position, instead to sit among the team, especially if there are particular reasons for creating a cooperative atmosphere.

Conversely it is perfectly normal for a leader to take the 'head of the table' if firmness is required in chairing or mediating, etc. It is usually easier to chair a meeting from the head of the table position.

Theory suggests that when a group sits around a table the person sitting on the leader's right will generally be the most loyal and aligned to the leader's thinking and wishes. A (likely) mythical origin is said to be that in Roman times a leader would place their most loyal supporter to their right because this was the most advantageous position from which to attempt an assassination by stabbing (given that most people then as now were right-handed). Assassination by stabbing is rare in modern work meetings, so positioning an opponent on your right side (instead of allowing the normal opposite positioning to happen) can be a useful tactic since this indicates confidence and strength.

In large gatherings of 20-30 people or more, a 'top table' is often appropriate for the leader and guest speakers. While this seems like a throwback to more autocratic times, it is perfectly workable. Groups of people above a certain size are far more likely to expect firm direction/leadership, if not in making decisions, certainly to keep order and ensure smooth running of proceedings. Therefore seating arrangements for large groups should provide a clear position of control for the chairperson or event leaders.

body language in different cultures

Here are some brief pointers concerning body language variations and gestures in cultures which differ from Western (US/UK notably) behaviour.

I welcome refinements and additions to this section. Please send any you can contribute.

People in/from parts of India may to shake their head from side to side as a sign of agreement and active listening. In the UK/west we tend to nod our head to agree and affirm and to show we are listening; in India it is not unusual for people to move their heads from side to side in giving these reactions. It is also seen as respectful practice. (Thanks S Churchill. Incidentally on this point, sideways head-shaking of this sort is not a vigorous twisting movement; it is usually more of a sideways tilting of the head from one side to the other.)

This point (thanks R Fox) concerns eye contact. Eye contact (other than unwanted staring) is generally regarded as a positive aspect of body language in Western cultures, which in this context typically refers to white European people and descendents. A specific difference regarding eye contact can be found in some black Caribbean cultures however, whereby young people tend to be instructed not look at someone eye to eye when being told off or disciplined. When cultures meet obviously this provides potential for friction, given the 'Western' expectation in such situations, for example, "Look at me when I'm talking to you".

Filipino people (and in fact many other people of all races) can find it offensive/uncomfortable when beckoned by a repeatedly curled index finger - the gesture evokes feelings of having done something wrong and being chastised for it.

In some Australian Aboriginal cultures, it is disrespectful to look an elder, or person of a rank above you, in the eyes. It is a sign of respect to drop your eyes, (whereas in Western culture not meeting somebody's gaze is commonly considered to be a negative sign, indicating deceit, lying, lack of attention, lack of confidence, etc).

Showing the soles of the feet is insulting and rude in many Asian and Arab cultures. Similarly pointing the foot or feet at anyone is rude. Feet are considered dirty.

In Arab culture the left hand is commonly considered unclean due to associations with toilet functions, and should therefore not be offered or used for touching or eating. When in doubt in Arab environments, using the right hand for everything is a safer idea.

In Arab countries the thumbs-up gesture is rude.

The eyebrow flash may be considered rude or to carry sexual connotations in Japanese culture. Informal male-female touching is less common and can be considered improper in Japan.

The American-style 'OK' sign - a circle made with thumb and index-finger with other fingers fanned or outstretched - is a rude gesture in some cultures, notably Latin America, Germany and the Middle East.

Beckoning gestures in Eastern cultures are commonly made with the palm down, whereas Western beckoning is generally palm up.

The offensive British/Western two-fingered V-sign is not necessarily offensive in Japan and may be considered positive like the Western palm-outwards 'victory' or 'peace' V-sign in the West.

In some countries, Greece, Turkey and Bulgaria for example, moving the head up/down or from side to side may have additional or different meanings to those conventionally interpreted in the UK/US. Specifically, in Turkey, aside from using conventional (US/UK-style) head nodding and shaking, some people may also signal 'no' by moving their head up. (This is a refinement of previous details about head movements in body language, and I welcome more information especially from people overseas as to precise variations to US/UK conventional meanings in signally yes and no, and anything else, with head movements.)

Arab handshaking tends to be more frequent and less firm - on meeting and departing, even several times in the same day.

In Japan the male bow is still commonly used, when the depth of the bow increases with the amount of respect shown, and is therefore a signal of relative status between two people.

In The Netherlands people touch the temple with the index finger in order to indicate someone (or an action) is smart or intelligent. Touching the forehead with the index finger means someone (or an action) is stupid or crazy. In Russia these meanings are reversed.

Here are some Japanese body language insights, especially for doing business in Japan (thanks R Wilkes):

• High-pitched laughter means nervousness.
• On introduction, do not offer a handshake. Depth of bow is impossible to judge without immense experience: it is sufficient for a Westerner to bow shallowly.
• Business cards should be exchanged at the first possible opportunity. The card received should be held in both hands and examined carefully, and then stored, preferably in a wallet, on the upper half of the body. Holding a person's identity in one hand is casual/disrespectful. The trouser pocket is a rude place.
• Blowing one's nose into a handkerchief in public is obscene. (What other bodily waste do you wrap up in cotton and put in your pocket?..)
• Japanese businesses (unless they cannot afford it) have two types of meeting room: a Western style room with central table, and a room with sofas. The sofa room is for non-antagonistic meetings. In general, the 45 degree rule seems to apply here - better to sit on adjacent sides than across from one another. This room can be a great place to cut deals. Nevertheless, the 'table' room is where transactions are formalised. There the host of the meeting sits nearest to (and preferably with his back to) the door. (This is probably chivalric in origin - he is first in the way of any invader to the room.) His team sits on the same side of the table in descending rank. The chief guest sits opposite him and similarly the minions decline to the side. The head of the table is not generally used in bilateral (two parties) meetings except by people brought in to advise on components of the agenda. A great boss may spend much of the meeting with his eyes closed. He is considering what is being said by the subordinates and does not need visual distraction. However, if he has a firm steer to give, he will instruct his deputy and this will be relayed immediately.
• Loss of eye contact is quite normal with lower ranking people: if they drop their head, this indicates deep thought.
• Otherwise, pure body signals are quite similar to Western ones, with one notable exception: touching the tip of the nose from straight ahead signals 'I/me'.
• The Japanese language does have a word for 'no' but it is rarely used in business for fear of causing offence or loss of face. "Yes, but..." is substantially more acceptable.

I welcome refinements and additions for body language in other cultures. Please send any you can contribute.

(Thanks to D Ofek, G van Duin, L Campbell, F Suzara, M Baniasadi, S Aydogmus, and particularly to R Wilkes for the Japanese section.)

flirting, courtship, dating and mating - sexual body language

Many signals in flirting, dating and mating body language are covered in the general translation signals above, and the fundamental principles of social/work body language also apply to the development or blocking of sexual relationships.

Of course lots of flirting, and more, goes on at work, but for the purposes of this article it's easier to keep the two situations separate.

There are some differences which can completely change the nature of a signal given in a sexual context. Sitting opposite someone is an example, which is confrontational at work, but is often intimate and enabling for sexual and romantic relationships: full constant eye-to-eye contact is helpful for intimacy, as is full frontal facing between male and female for obvious reasons.

Personal space must also be considered in a different way in social-sexual situations compared to work and non-sexual situations: At work, the primary consideration is given to respecting the personal zones and not invading closer than the situation warrants. In a sexual flirting context however, personal space becomes the arena for ritual and play, and within reason is more of a game than a set of fixed limits.

Dancing is further example of how body language operates at a different level in sexual-social situations. Different tolerances and tacit (implied) permissions apply. It's a ritual and a game which humans have played for thousands of years.

Dancing relates strongly to the attention stage of the dating/mating/courtship process. In many ways courtship echoes the selling and advertising model AIDA (Attention, Interest, Desire, Action). This is also known as the Hierarchy of Effects, since steps must be successfully completed in order to achieve the sale at the end. For example, nothing happens without first attracting attention, a point commonly ignored by people looking for a mate. The attention stage is even more critical in crowded and highly competitive environments such as nightclubs and dating websites.

And while not technically part of body language, environment is a vital aspect of dating and mating. The environment in which the dating activity is pursued equates to market/audience-targeting in business. People seeking a mate are effectively marketing themselves. Commonly people head to where everyone else goes - to nightclubs and dating websites - but crucially these environments are highly unsuitable markets for many people, for instance those not good at dancing, and those not good at writing and communicating online. Just as a business needs to find the best markets and ways of reaching its target audience, so in dating people can seek environments where they can best display their strengths and where relevant 'buyers' will be.

Knowing about flirting body language becomes more useful in a favourable environment.

female indications of interest in a male

Females have very many more ways of attracting attention to themselves than males, and so are able to express interest and availability in far more ways than males tend to do.

Female interest in males is relatively selective. Male interest in females is by comparison constant and indiscriminate.

This is due fundamentally to human mating behaviour, evolved over many thousands of years, in which essentially women control the chase and the choice, and men respond primarily to female availability and permissions. These differences in behaviour perhaps mainly exist because females produce one viable egg per month, about 500 in a lifetime, whereas males make several hundred sperm every day. Do the math, as they say.

As with interpreting body language generally, beware of concluding anything based on a single signal. Clusters of signals are more reliable. Foot pointing, knee pointing, and leg-crossing signals can all be due simply to comfort, rather than expressions of interest or sexual appeal.

Aside from the specific flirting and sexual attraction signs below, females also express interest using the general signalling explained in the earlier sections, e.g., prolonged direct eye contact, active responsive listening, attentive open alert postures and body positions, etc.

Here are the most common female flirting body language signals and meanings, according to experts on the subject:

eye contact - anything more than a glance indicates initial interest.

eye catch and look away - establishing eye contact then looking away or down is said by many experts to be the standard initial signal of interest designed to hook male reaction. The reliability of the signal meaning is strengthened when repeated and/or reinforced with longer eye-contact.

eye-widening - interest, simultaneously increasing attractiveness/appeal.

eyelash flicker - subtle movement of eyelashes to widen eyes briefly.

pupil dilating - interest, liking what is seen, arousal.

looking sideways up - lowering head, slightly sideways, and looking up - also known as doe-eyes, with eyelashes normally slightly lowered - displays interest and vulnerability/coyness, most famously employed by Diana Princess of Wales, notably in her interview with Martin Bashir in battle for public sympathy following her split with Prince Charles.

shoulder glance - looking sideways towards the target over the shoulder signals availability, and hence interest.

smiling - obvious sign of welcoming and friendliness.

moistening lips - lips are significant in signalling because (psychologists say) they mimic the female labia, hence the potency of red lipstick (suggesting increased blood flow) and moistening/licking the lips.

parted lips - significant and potent attraction signal.

preening - especially of hair, which exposes the soft underarm.

flicking hair - often combined with a slight tossing movement of the head.

canting (tilting) head - also exposes neck.

showing inner wrist or forearm - a soft vulnerable area and erogenous zone.

straightening posture - standing taller, chest out, stomach in - a natural response to feeling the urge to appear more appealing.

self-touching - drawing attention to sexually appealing parts of the body; neck, hair, cleavage, thigh, etc. - additionally self-touching is said to represent transference/imagining of being touched - and of course demonstration of what it would be like for the target to do the touching; teasing in other words.

self thigh-stroking - usually while sitting down - same as self-touching.

standing opposite - normally a confrontational positioning, but in flirting allows direct eye contact and optimizes engagement. Refer also to personal space rules: less than 4ft between people is personal; less than 18 inches is intimate and only sustainable when there is some mutual interest and attraction, especially when direct facing and not in a crowded environment. N.B. Crowded environments distort the personal space rules, where implied permissions (e.g., for public transport and dense crowds or queues) override normal interpretations.

leaning forward - sitting or standing; leaning forwards towards a person indicates interest and attraction.

foot pointing - direction can indicate person of interest.

knee-pointing - as foot pointing.

leg twine - a tight-leg cross 'aimed' (combined with eye contact) at a target, or when sitting one-to-one, increases sexual allure since it emphasises leg shape and tone. When employed flirtatiously, female leg crossing and uncrossing also has obvious sexual connotations and stimulates basic urges in males.

shoe-dangling - positive signal of relaxation or of greater promise, especially if the foot thrusts in and out of the shoe.

pouting - pouting involves tightening the lips together; the tongue rises to the roof of the mouth as if ready to swallow. Pouting displays various emotions, not always a sexual one, for example projection of the lower lip indicates upset. An attraction pout looks more like the initial forming of a kiss.

picking fluff - removing fluff, hair, etc., from the target's clothes is playing in the intimate personal space zone, in which the fluff picking is merely a pretext or excuse.

fondling cylindrical objects - phallic transference, for instance using pens, a dangling earring, a wine glass stem, etc.

mirroring - mirroring or synchronizing gestures and positions is a signal of interest and attraction. See mirroring.

When considering body language in such detail, remember that males and females rely greatly on conversation and verbal communication to determine mutual attraction as soon as the situation allows. Body language in flirting can be significant in indicating a strong match, but just as easily can merely be an initial filtering stage which progresses no further because other (infinitely variable) personal or situational criteria on either or both sides are not met.

Also bear in mind that a lot of flirting happens for fun with no intention of proceeding to sexual or romantic attachment.

The purpose of this page is chiefly to explain body language signals, not to explain human relationships.

male interest in females

As stated earlier there are reasons for the relative sparseness of male signals compared to female flirting signals.

Most men are interested perpetually in most women, and therefore male signals are generally designed to attract the attention of any females, rather than directed at one female in particular.

Male interest is basically always switched on and ready to respond to opportunity when female availability and interest are signalled and noticed.

Men believe they take the lead, but actually mostly women do.

Male signals of interest in females essentially follow normal body language rules, for example widening eyes, dilated pupils, forward leaning, prolonged direct eye contact, active listening reactions, and these come into play once eye contact and/or proximity is established.

The most prevalent signals males use to announce their availability and attract female attention are summarised below. Under many circumstances these might be categorised under the headings 'pathetic' or 'amusing'. The male of the species, despite a couple of million years of evolution, has yet to develop much subtle body language in this area.

posturing - erect stance, chest out, shoulders back, stomach in.

wide stance - legs apart (standing or sitting) - to increase size.

cowboy stance - thumbs in belt loops, fingers pointing to genital area.

hands in pockets - thumbs out and pointing to genitals.

'chest-thumping' - a metaphor describing various male antics designed to draw attention to themselves, often involving play-punching or wresting other males, laughing too loudly, head-tossing, acting the fool, etc.

room scanning - males who are available and looking for females tend to scan the room, partly to look for available females, but also to indicate they are available themselves.

dress - clothing: style, fit, cleanliness, etc - is all an extension of personality and is therefore part of body language.

preening and grooming - adjusting clothes, ties, cuffs, sleeves, tugging at trouser crotch, running hands through or over hair, etc.

smell - certain smells are attractive to females but it's a complex and highly personal area yet to be understood well. Answers on a postcard please.

tattoos - here's an interesting one, commonly ignored in conventional body language flirting guides. Tattoos have dramatically altered in society's perceptions in the past generation. Previously considered indicative of lower class, lower intellect, sailors, soldiers, builders, etc., nowadays they are everywhere on everyone. Tattoos have been a significant part of human customs for thousands of years. They are decorative, and also (in evolutionary terms) suggested strength and machismo, since the process of obtaining them was painful and even life-threatening. Certain females are attracted by tattoos on men, especially extensive markings. It's a drastic step to improve one's love life, but worthy of note, because the subject is not as simple and negative as traditionally regarded. Tattoos are significant attention-grabbers, and given the variety of subjects featured, also provide interesting talking points.

body piercings - again more complex than traditionally considered, piercings do attract attention and signify the wearer to be different.

dancing - dancing, in a suitable place of course, has for thousands of years been an opportunity for males and females to display their physical and sexual potential. With the exception perhaps of pogo-ing and head-banging most dance styles replicate sexual movements - lots of rhythmic hip and leg work, contorted facial expressions, sweating and occasional grunting, etc. For those blessed with a level of coordination dancing offers an effective way of attracting attention, especially in crowded competitive situations. For the less rhythmic, the lesson is to find a different environment.

stages of courtship

The initial stages of a (usually) male-female sexual relationship are commonly represented as quite a structured process, summarised below.

Incidentally courtship traditionally refers to the early stages of a male-female relationship leading up to sex, babies, marriage and family life, (followed for many by mutual tolerance/indifference/loathing and acrimonious break-up). Flirting is a common modern term for the early stages of courtship, or the beginnings of extra-marital affairs, which is misleading since most flirting happens for fun and rarely progresses beyond non-sexual touching.

If considering flirting/courtship body language in the context of dating and mating, it's useful to recall the selling and advertising model AIDA (Attention, Interest, Desire, Action), and especially that nothing happens without first attracting attention.

Significantly, women are said generally make the first move - by signalling interest through establishing eye contact, and then confusingly for men, looking away.

The process can disintegrate at any moment, often before it begins, because most men are too interested in themselves or the bloody football on the pub telly to notice the eye contact.

Where the process reaches past the first stage, here broadly is how it is said by body language experts to unfold:

1. Eye contact (females typically lower or avert their eyes once firm contact is made).
2. Returned eye contact (by male).
3. Mutual smiling.
4. Preening, grooming, posturing (male and female).
5. Moving together as regards personal space (male typically walks to female).
6. Talking.
7. Attentive active listening (or simulation of this, sufficient mutually to retain sense of mutual interest).
8. Synchronizing/mirroring each other's body language.
9. Touching (more significantly by the female; subtle touching can happen earlier, and at this stage can become more intimate and daring).

A generation ago this process took a little longer than it does today. Alcohol accelerates things even more.

You'll see variations of the above sequence in body language books, and no doubt in real life too.

Males tend to react to obvious signs of availability shown by females but miss many subtle signals.

Females give lots of subtle signals, tend not to repeat them too often, and infer lack of interest in a male failing to respond.

It's a wonder that anyone gets together at all.

The fact that most people do confirms that courtship is more complex than we readily understand.