HOW TO BE A BAD TEACHER
Your next lecture is tomorrow; however, you have not planned your lectures in advance or prepared for your classes because you do not feel the need to do so. You have been teaching all of this material for many years, so you believe that you can give your lectures impromptu, without preparation. In fact, you think that impromptu lectures are the only way you can keep your facts straight and include all of the important details because you have a memory like an elephant, don't you?
You never bother to update or change faded overhead transparencies or correct spelling mistakes in your PowerPoint slides. That is because teachers assess students, but students never assess teachers. So why bother, who will notice, it is not really worth your time and effort.
You strongly believe that providing information is your major responsibility, so write as many notes and include as much information as possible. You also read straight from your notes so as not to miss any critical points and load your listeners' brains with lists and lists and lists of facts. You never ever look at their faces or make eye contact to know if they are listening or even alive. Instead, you turn to face the blackboard, with your back to the students, and speak to and for yourself. This, you believe, is the only way you command all the attention you need.
It is critically important that you never ask your students any questions or check to determine whether they have understood the concepts. Why bother? They have been listening to you drone on and on, and, obviously, they must have understood. Certain things must be taken for granted. Furthermore, if a student stands up and asks you a question, you should tell the student, "Your question does not make sense to me," "This is too difficult for you to understand at this level of education," or "Only postgraduates need to know about that." Or, you may respond with the simplest answer "You don't have to know that because we will not ask that question on the exam." However, the best alternative is to fly off on a tangent and give an answer for an entirely different question without stopping for the next 5 minutes since it takes that much time for someone to forget the question s/he just asked. For heavens sake, do not let anybody realize that you do not know the answer. It is way too dangerous.
In the rare event that a student suggests that s/he did not understand your response or that you might be wrong, do not ever waste time explaining your answer. How could you be unclear? How could you be wrong? You can not possibly be unclear or wrong.
If you are presenting a lengthy lecture, do not ever include a 5-minute break because time is precious; do not waste a second. Continue talking for as long as you can. Do not stop until you are exhausted and cannot speak any more.
Never, ever provide a summary of what you have said during your lecture because summaries are the only way that even the most attentive student can faintly register what you have been discussing over the last hour.
At the end of a series of lectures, do not obtain feedback from your students because this is the only way you will know how well you have been doing. You know you are an excellent educator. You also believe that teaching is a "feedforward" process and there is no absolutely no need whatsoever for improving your performance with feedback from your students. Furthermore, students do not provide unbiased reviews of your performance because they are afraid that you'll vent your anger during their oral exam.
In the laboratory, it is possible that students demonstrate independent thinking and improve on something that has been taught and discover something truly interesting. In this situation, the students may have questions about concepts that you may not understand. It is important that you never let this happen! It can be dangerous if students learn beyond what you have been teaching. If this happens, everyone will realize that you are no longer capable of teaching.
If, by chance, your students are interested in alternate sources of information for their study, make it clear that there is nothing beyond the blackboard, the white chalk, the overhead transparency, and the lecture notes you wrote 5 years ago (or earlier when you were a student). Never suggest alternate sources of information, because this will provide them with an opportunity to cross check what you have taught, and that is quite risky. For example, they may learn and know more than you and your next class may be twice as difficult.
If you have been doing well on all these points, there is no doubt that you will be an outstanding role model for your students. And you will be promoted to the position of professor soon.
E. S. Prakash is a postdoctoral worker with teaching and research responsibilities.
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